Through the Deepest Shadows
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalms 23:4)
Ominously, I would soon enter the darkest season of my life. My depression and anxiety returned—only this time, much more powerfully. I sank into a place of despair so deep that, for the first time in my life, I no longer wanted to live. The weight of it all became unbearable. I was admitted to a veterans’ mental health facility. There I spent the next three months wrestling with deep inner turmoil and trying to find my footing again. During that time, God performed spiritual surgery on my heart addressing the guilt, shame, and fear that had haunted me for 25 years. I was also forced to confront the besetting sins that were stealing my joy and hindering my spiritual growth.
While I was there, my father passed away, adding a fresh layer of grief to an already broken heart. And as if that weren’t enough, just one month after being discharged, I was diagnosed with neck and throat cancer. It felt like wave after wave of suffering, with no relief in sight. I began to question everything—especially God’s goodness. Why would a good God allow this? I had served my country honorably, loved my wife faithfully, and cared for my parents sacrificially. Why this? Why now? Why me? I couldn’t understand what God was doing, and I felt like I didn’t deserve the pain I was walking through. I would spend the following year recovering from surgery and undergoing chemo and radiation treatments—all while trying to manage my depression. And it didn’t help that all of this was happening in the middle of a global pandemic. The isolation, physical weakness, emotional weight, and spiritual questions created a perfect storm.
It was, without question, the most difficult season of my life. There were many days when I wondered if God even heard my prayers. Where was He? Why couldn’t I sense His presence? Why wouldn’t He take away my depression? I cried out, but the silence was deafening. My faith felt fragile, and my questions felt bigger than the answers I had. I knew God was real—but in that season, He felt distant. Looking back now, I can see His fingerprints all over that season of despair. He was with me. At the veteran’s mental health facility, He sustained me and surrounded me with others—believers who were also suffering from mental illness and substance abuse. It’s amazing how God used broken human beings with shattered lives to help me get through those very difficult three months at the VA. In ways I couldn’t see at the time, He was ministering to me through them—through their honesty, their pain, and even their hope.
I also saw His hand sustaining me during my chemo and radiation treatment. Looking back, I still wonder how I ever made it through. There were moments when I was convinced the treatment itself would kill me. I became weak, frail, and dropped to 160 pounds. Every day felt like a battle for survival. But in His mercy, God spared my life. He carried me through that agonizing year—moment by moment, breath by breath.